Fight Right

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The following is a message I gave called “Fight Right.” The 11 dot points come from Danny Silk’s book, “Keep Your Love On.”
Fight Right

This message is not about how to avoid disagreements, fights, arguments, whatever you want to call them. It’s about how to express your disagreement without reducing your love. People need to be able to have arguments, have disagreements and still love each other without having to compromise your beliefs.

I would love it if people could come away learning to be assertive without aggressive, strong without being overpowering, disagreeing without being disagreeable. I want all of us to be the powerful people we were created to be.

It’s ok to disagree with people, despite what the social liberalists want you to believe. It’s ok to end up agreeing to disagree. The key is to seek understanding from where the other person is coming from.

I haven’t got it right myself, but I’m learning.

Unity does not mean agreeing with everything or not having confrontations.
Tania and I are both strong people, we’re both determined, we’re both competitive. Tania would say that I’m the more competitive one, but I would have to disagree with her on that. We’ve argued over that one but I’ve won the last three times.

The point is, we’ll often disagree with each other, but we can make a choice not to let those differences interfere with our relationship.

Being unified means we try to deal with differences in a godly way. It means admitting I could be wrong, or sometimes standing when I’m right. Other times it means admitting that I can be wrong even when I’m right. I could be right, but the way I dealt with it was wrong.

It means dealing with differences in love. It means seeking understanding of the other person’s point of view. It means taking time to see the situation from the other person’s perspective.

It means speaking with God and asking Him how He wants me to deal with the situation.

Our differences don’t have to bring division. Our diversity can add strength to each other.

Ephesians 4:11-16 NKJV
[11] And He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, [12] for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, [13] till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ; [14] that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, [15] but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head-Christ- [16] from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.

God wants us to be powerful people. If we are not powerful we will be victims.

A victim will often talk about what they need to do or have to do, or what life has thrown at them or how their circumstances effect how they feel. A victim will talk about their behaviour or their day in terms of what they’ve had to do because of the actions of others.

They made me angry
I have to cook tea
I wouldn’t have acted that way if they had just done what I said
I had to help them
I can’t do that

These are victim statements. Even abusers and controllers have victim mentalities. An abuser never says “I chose to hit that person,” or “I chose to belittle that other person and destroy their self-esteem.”

An abuser says “That’s what they wanted,” or “They made me do that.” They blame the other person for their aggressive behaviour.

Now I’ve had a lot of trouble with an energy provider. I’ve received letters and phone calls from them time and again over issues that are not our fault, and at times not even our account. I have called them repeatedly to explain the situation and get things sorted out, they say that the problem’s been fixed and then they call again about the same problem.

I got furious with them. Now I didn’t swear at them or threaten them, but I was loud and aggressive. Afterward, Tania talked to me about it and I told her that if she had to go through what I went through, she would understand. I was abusive. I was also working in a victim mentality. “They made me angry.” “They made me act that way.”

The truth was, I could have behaved differently. I didn’t have to become abusive. I lost control of myself and then blamed them for my choice of bad behaviour. I was abusive, but I had a victim mentality.
Powerful people are responsible for their choices. They don’t blame other people for their actions, thoughts or feelings.

Powerful people control themselves, not other people. They set boundaries and choose what they do with their time and energy. They choose who they spend their time with and they choose how they interact with others.

Powerful people are loving and respectful and expect others to be the same. If they are not, a powerful person will choose not to deepen relationship with them until they learn to interact in a respectful and loving manner.

1. Our first goal in conversation is to understand one another.
2. My thoughts, feelings and needs are valuable and so are yours.
3. I do not participate in disrespectful conversations. When my thoughts feelings and needs are devalued in a conversation, I will stop the conversation and set a clear boundary. Until respect is restored I will not participate.
4. We need to communicate our true feelings and needs to establish trust and intimacy.
5. It’s my job to tell you what’s going on inside of me and it’s your job to tell me what’s going on inside of you. We don’t have telepathy or the right to assume we know each other’s motives, thoughts, feelings or needs.
6. The best way to communicate my feelings and needs is using “I messages” and clear, specific statements that show what I’m experiencing and feeling.
7. I will not expect you to know my feelings and needs unless I have communicated them to you.
8. I will not make judgement statements or tell you how you must change to meet my needs.
9. When you communicate your needs to me, it is my job to listen well, so I can understand what you need, how my life is affecting you and what I can do to meet your needs.
10. I am committed to protecting and nurturing our connection. I will do what I need to do to keep moving toward you – no matter what.
11. It’s my job to manage my heart so that I can respond to you in love and cast out fear in our relationship.

Using “I messages.”
If your “I messages” start with “I think you …” you’ve missed the point. “I messages” are about how you feel, not about what the other person has done wrong. They don’t focus on the other person’s behaviour, they simply describe your emotional experiences right now.

Here is an example of good communication using “I messages” and expressing needs to a words of affirmation person (see love languages below) from a quality time person.

Tim (Husband), I love you and I really appreciate how hard you’ve been working to provide for us. I know you find the work stressful but you’ve stuck at it for us. Right now, I’m feeling alone. I’m feeling like a wedge is coming between us and we’re growing apart. I don’t like that feeling. I need some time with you. I need to reconnect with you. I need us to take a night where there’s no TV, no iPad, computer or phone, there’s just us. If we can do that tonight that would be wonderful, but I know it’s short notice and you might have already arranged work activities. If we can’t do this tonight, I need us to arrange it within the next night or two. I love you and I’m so proud of you. You are such an amazing husband and father.

In this example, we see a compliment/encouragement to start the conversation. This followed by an expression of feelings. They are a simple statement without any finger pointing or blame. There is then a clear need being expressed and direction about what could happen to meet that need. There is also understanding being given and a suggested plan to move forward. This is then finished with another compliment/encouragement.

This is good communication. If you’re saying that you can’t think of this stuff off the top of your head, you’re not alone. That’s why it’s a good idea not to say anything until you’ve thought about what to say. Blurting out whatever pops into your head is not good communication technique.

Learn the love languages (Gifts, Acts of Service, Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time). Learn how the other person receives love so you can communicate with them in a way they perceive as love.

A powerful person goes to God to get their love tank filled. They don’t take it or demand it from you. They don’t need you to use their love language to get their supply of love from you. It’s respectful for us to communicate with them in their love language because it creates a safe, loving environment for them to communicate in.

I’m a words of affirmation person. I’ve worked out that if I’m secure in my identity in Christ, and I remain intimate in my relationship with the Father, I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m awesome to feel loved. I’ve received my love and acceptance from God.

I don’t need Tania to be constantly telling me how good I am to fill my love tank. I don’t need her to keep saying encouraging things about me so I feel loved and good about myself. I feel loved and good about myself because of who I am in Christ.

When Tania uses words of affirmation, she just reminds me that she loves me too and it creates a safer environment for us to communicate in.

Tania is a quality time person. Tania doesn’t demand quality time from me to make herself feel loved and good about herself. She gets her love from God. She comes to our relationship already full of love so she’s giving love in the relationship, not taking it.

I don’t give quality time to Tania because she needs it. I give quality time to Tania because it reminds her that I love her too, and it creates a safer environment for her to communicate with me.

Finding out another person’s love language and using it, creates an environment the other person perceives as loving and will therefore reduce the fear levels in the conversation and the relationship.
Loving is a choice made by powerful people. They don’t see it as a feeling. They don’t love because someone loves them. They love because they choose love. And they don’t unchoose it.

John 15:16 NKJV
[16] You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.

Romans 5:8 NKJV
[8] But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Powerful people speak truth in love and grace even though other people might not like it. Powerful people get their security from their identity in Christ, not from other people’s opinions of them.

Mark 10:17-22 NKJV
[17] Now as He was going out on the road, one came running, knelt before Him, and asked Him, “Good Teacher, what shall I do that I may inherit eternal life?” [18] So Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. [19] You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not bear false witness,’ ‘Do not defraud,’ ‘Honour your father and your mother.'” [20] And he answered and said to Him, “Teacher, all these things I have kept from my youth.” [21] Then Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.” [22] But he was sad at this word, and went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

Powerful people make choices and they give other people the freedom to make choices too. Jesus loved this man but allowed him to make his choice and walk away.

John 6:66-67 NKJV
[66] From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more. [67] Then Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you also want to go away?”

Powerful people have their security in God’s love for them. They don’t rely on other people’s opinions of them to dictate their behaviour. Popular opinion is not important to the person whose identity is found in Christ.

Good communication is a choice. Know who you are in Christ. Know the unconditional love of God the Father for you. Learn how to identify your feelings and express them without blaming others for them. Be responsible and accountable for your actions. Be powerful and not a victim. Learn how to express your needs with love and understanding. Speak truthfully but with love and grace. Choose to love unconditionally and learn how to fight right

How’s Your Confidence?

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It says in Exodus 2:21 that Moses was content to live with his father-in-law. For 40 years he was content to tend his father-in-law’s sheep. He was so content, he didn’t even bother starting his own flock. But, you know, the guy lacked confidence. He was a stutterer. Give him a break. Well what do we really know about Moses?
We know that he fought off a group of shepherds as if it was nothing. He was a trained warrior. Acts 7:22 tells us that he was highly educated in the wisdom of the most advanced nation on earth at the time. It tells us that Moses was also mighty in both words and deeds. He was mighty in words? So this very intelligent, highly educated warrior who was a powerful speaker was content to look after someone else’s sheep for 40 years. And then lie to God Himself about his capacity for public speaking.
For 40 years Moses was content to live in the fear and condemnation that was created by trying to step into his calling and failing. He built a wall of self deception, denying who he truly was and what he was capable of, in order to avoid failing again.
What about you? What about me? Have we stepped out before and failed? Are we saying no to the call of God because we’re afraid of failing? Are we denying our God-given abilities to protect ourselves from pain?
God doesn’t set us up for failure. God’s word accomplishes what He sends it out to do. It might not be in our timing and it might not look like we think it’s going to, but it won’t return to Him void.
Look carefully through Exodus and see how gently God restores Moses to his true identity. Watch as God has Aaron do the first miracles and the speaking but gradually transitions Moses into full leadership before the Exodus.
Moses went from being a man full of his own confidence, to a man with none and was transformed finally into a man with absolute confidence in his God. Where are you in your journey? Are you content to accept the lies and continue tending your father-in-law’s sheep? Are you arguing with God about the call? Have you found an Aaron or are you ready to become the one you were born to be? Your choice.

Where God Makes Room

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Genesis 26:22 And he moved from there and dug another well, and they did not quarrel over it. So he called its name Rehoboth, because he said, “For now the Lord has made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land.”
As a grace pastor and Spirit led Christian I wanted our services to always have room for the Holy Spirit. “God, we make room for you. Move as You choose.” I read this passage and I suddenly thought, “God, I don’t want to make room for You, I want to be where You’ve already made room for me.”
If I want to be fruitful in the land, in my walk, in my worship, in my generosity, in ministry, in parenting, in marriage, in relationships etc, then I don’t need to make room for God, I need to live in the place that He made room for me.
Physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, where has God made room for you? In that place, you will be fruitful

The Knowledge of Good and Evil

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In Genesis 3 the serpent told the man and woman that for them to be like God, they had to have a knowledge of good and evil. The implication here is that this is the most important attribute of God.

There are so many attributes of God and having a knowledge of good and evil is only one small part of Him, but that’s the one we now notice the most.

Before coming in to Grace, my first thoughts about God were that He knew my most secret sins. He knew my good and evil. The unsaved seem to have a greater awareness of God’s knowledge of their good and evil, than any of His other attributes. God is so much more than that. God is love, grace, mercy, truth, righteousness, salvation and more. Rather than judge people on their good and evil, He judges on their faith in His Son.

Matthew 5:43-45 highlights attributes that reflect the heart of the Father. Loving enemies, blessing cursers, doing good to haters and praying for persecutors. Those who are like the Father don’t judge good and evil, they pour the Father’s love on all those around them, regardless of good or evil.

Radical Grace, Legalism and Hyper-Grace

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Grace is either Radical Grace, or it’s not Grace at all. Radical Grace says that salvation is all God’s work. It then says that Christian living is also all God’s work. Radical Grace says that when we were born again, we became an entirely different being to who we were before. Radical Grace says that the new creation will live like a son of God, not because they try to, but because it is who they are. Right living flows from right believing about their identity. This new creation rests in God’s love, surrenders to the work of His Spirit and only does what the Father tells them to do. It’s all about heart transformation.

Legalism says that a person is saved by God’s Grace. Then that person must try hard to give the appearance of being saved. They must do the “right” things. It uses the law as a reference for behaviour. Legalism says Christian living is all about our work. It says that when we were born again, we became a mix of old and new and we must fight to suppress the old and force ourselves to live like the new. Legalism is all about behavioural modification.

So-called Hyper-Grace is legalism masquerading as Grace. It says we are saved by God’s Grace. Hyper-Grace then says that you must give the appearance of being saved, but if you don’t, don’t worry, it’s all forgiven and under Grace. It still uses the law as a reference for behaviour. Christian life is still a struggle between old and new but Grace can be used as an excuse to continue in the old. There is very little modification of behaviour or heart transformation. Grace was meant to set us free from sin, not set us free to continue in it.

Grace is so radical because salvation and living like Christ rest exclusively in God’s hands. It is 100% His effort and none of ours. The second we try to add to Christ’s finished work of the cross by our efforts, we step out of Grace and Spirit, into legalism and flesh. It is either all Radical Grace, or it is not Grace at all.

Having Begun In The Spirit

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In Galatians 3:3, Paul asks the church, “Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?”

How often do we think, “I’ve been saved by grace but now I have to try hard not to do the bad things I did before? I have to become perfect by my own efforts.”

If we try to live a perfect life, out of our own efforts, we step out of grace, out of the Spirit and into law, into the flesh. The work of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21) is the result of trying to make ourselves perfect by the flesh. But we are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if the Spirit of God dwells in us. And if we are Christ’s, then the flesh has been crucified.

So should we just continue in the works of the flesh because we’re under grace? Of course not. How is it possible to continue in them when we are in the Spirit and the flesh has been crucified? Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, surrender yourself to the transforming power of the Holy Spirit, allow His revelation truth to flood your heart and bring your core beliefs into line with the Word of God and be free.

Faith

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Hebrews 11:1-2 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.”

A literal translation of verse 1 would look something like this. “Now God’s divine persuasion is the legal guarantee or title deed of the things we are anticipating and actively waiting for, it is the inner conviction and proof of the things we don’t see yet.”

When we look at the rest of Hebrews 11 we see a list of the “elders” mentioned in verse 2. They are called heroes of faith. We notice that it was by faith, by God’s divine persuasion, that they obtained a good testimony. It wasn’t by their actions. In fact, if you look at the descriptions of some of the elders’ actions in Hebrews 11, they don’t match their actual deeds. You see, God does not just have faith, He is faith. He is faith full. He calls those things that are not as though they are. And because He calls it that way, the way He calls it is the truth. He isn’t lying, He is calling that truth into existence.

Where there is fear, He calls valour into existence. Where there is a storm, He calls peace. Where there is death, He calls life. Where there is sickness and pain, He calls healing. Where there is bondage, He calls freedom. What has He called into existence in your life? Will you be divinely persuaded by God that what He declares about you is the truth and everything contrary to that a lie? What has He called into existence in your children’s lives, your wife’s, your husband’s, your neighbour’s and friend’s lives? Will you join with your Creator and in faith, call those things that are not as though they are?

Gradualism

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Gradualism is a process where small, imperceptible changes are made to reach a goal that might not be approved of if the change was made in one revolutionary action. It is a process relied on by the political ideology of social liberalism. Social liberalism believes the good of the community is harmonious with the freedom of the individual.

Take, for example, the issue of bathroom (includes showers, and change rooms) use by transgender individuals. Social liberalism says that giving these individuals the freedom and the right to choose which bathrooms they use will benefit the community as a whole.

It wasn’t that long ago when an 18-year-old student with male genitalia, changing or showering with 12-year-old girls would have been charged with indecent exposure, at the very least. Now, many of the people who would have dragged the person out of the shower are shouting that the person should be able to choose. And they will shame, insult and denounce anyone who says differently.

This is proof of the effectiveness of gradualism as used by social liberalism. Somehow, society has had its eyes taken off the rights of the majority, not to be exposed to inappropriate sexual images, and placed on the rights of the individual to shower where they feel most comfortable.

Our society is changing, but each of those changes is small, subtle and barely noticeable. It’s not until we look back and see what we’ve changed from that we can notice how large the overall change is. I know a guy who, 50 years ago, if he saw a homosexual, would have bashed him. Just a few years ago, he and his wife went to Sydney to enjoy the spectacle of the gay and lesbian Mardis Gras. Over 50 years he was changed from open, violent hostility toward homosexuals to open support for them.

Some of the changes our society has gone through are good, necessary changes. It’s never OK to bash a person just because you don’t like their lifestyle. That’s a good change. Some of the changes are not good and many, small, not good changes over a long time period can take us places we never thought we would go.

We don’t know all the power brokers of the social liberalism movement. We don’t know what their agenda is. We don’t know where all the changes will take us. It is somewhat scary to read, though, that an influential member amongst the gay rights activists, Gary Dowsett, wrote the article found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/304946253/Gay-Information-Spring-1982.

In the article Professor Dowsett outlines three goals he believes social liberalism should achieve through gradualism: “custody rights for gay men and lesbians; the legal right of paedophiles and their young loves; and finally the sexual right of children as a whole.” He says that the “current paedophilia debate then is crucial to the political process of the gay movement: paedophiles need our support …”

The term “paedophiles” refers only to people with a sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children. It is clear that the professor is referring to these children since he says that a parent cuddling, breastfeeding, and bathing their child is very similar to a paedophile/child relationship in terms of love and nurture.

I’m sure that none of us would ever support the legal right for paedophilia. But then, how many Germans ever thought they would be supporting and participating in the death of six million Jews when they first supported Hitler?

We support small changes that we believe are good but we don’t know the real agenda of the power brokers. How do we draw a line when all someone wants to do is give someone else the same rights as another person? How do we say no to a change when we have already accepted it, just in a slightly different scenario? How do we stop the loss of the innocence of our children when our focus is on protecting the rights of the individual who will be the one to take that innocence away?

This blog is not about the rights or wrongs of homosexuality or transgender bathrooms. It is to help people become aware of the changes that have been wrought by gradualism. It is to open our eyes to the changes that social liberalism will bring through gradualism. Hopefully it will help us draw a line before it is too late to say no.

The Body

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Read Psalm 133:1.

I’ve seen a few comedy movies where characters have parts of their body taken over. Those parts want to do one thing while the other parts want to do something else. The person ends up fighting themselves and it’s very entertaining to watch. But how disturbing would it be watching it for real? What kind of mentality is required for a person to willingly beat themselves up?

Every born again believer is a part of the body of Christ. When we criticise other churches, when we gossip and talk about other Christians behind their backs, when we hold on to offences and unforgiveness, when we dishonour others, judge and condemn them and do something other than loving them in the 1 Corinthians 13 way, we cause the body of Jesus to beat Himself up.

Unity in the body does not mean that we agree with everything or that we don’t have confrontations. It doesn’t mean that we have to sweep things under the carpet and pretend we haven’t been hurt. It means that we deal with our differences in a Godly fashion. We deal with them in love. It’s good knowing that if I’ve caused an offence the other person will either forgive me and move on or talk to me about it. It is good to know that if I’ve been hurt I can speak to the person who did it without fear of being hurt more. It is pleasant to know that differences don’t have to bring division, but that diversity can build strength. It is good and pleasant being a member of the body of Christ when we live in love and unity.

The Church

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Ephesians 2:21-22. In Christ, the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in Him, you too are being built together to become a dwelling place in which God lives by His Spirit.

We are the church. Corporately and as individuals, we are the house of God, His holy habitation. Of all the incredible places in the universe that God could have chosen for His Spirit to dwell, He chose you. He chose the believers as a group and He chose you as an individual. He chose us to be built together to become His dwelling place.

If you look at some of the ancient buildings, you’ll notice that the stones that make them are not all the same shape. The true art of a master stone mason was to place the stones in the proper spot so that they fit well, with very little re-shaping.

God is putting all of us, as living stones, into the places we are meant to be. And He will put us in the right spot, if we listen to Him and not man. God has a plan and a purpose for you and you will achieve it as you settle yourself into the place He has for you in His building.

Notice also that a stone is surrounded by other stones. The load is never carried by a single stone. All the stones carry the load together. The church is a place where we can depend on each other. All of us can be involved in helping carry each other’s load. We are God’s expression of love. We are the family of God. We are the Church.